George Carlin's new rules for 2006

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  • jeffrey collins
    Not cool enough
    • Jun 2004
    • 7427

    George Carlin's new rules for 2006

    George Carlin's new rules for 2006

    New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
    reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
    football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
    did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
    these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
    you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
    of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
    Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
    water?
    Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned
    pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
    bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will
    be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
    Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass
    hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
    half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
    dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
    huge ass hole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card,
    entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
    no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
    supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
    make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it
    translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
    sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
    watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
    What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
    It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
    I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
    television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
    so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
    reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
    idea
    wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
    isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
    months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
    And
    I didn't really care in the first place.
    Jeffrey Collins: Painter
    My Painting Blog

    http://soundcloud.com/jeffreycollins
    My Soundcloud page.
  • daveman
    I love the colors!!!
    • Jul 2005
    • 1221

    #2
    Re: George Carlin's new rules for 2006

    i have a good one. how about no reposts in 2006

    From Bill Maher: New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
    once upon a time, machines were mice, and men were lions. now that its the opposite, it's twice upon a time

    Comment

    • buckman
      Platinum Poster
      • Jun 2004
      • 2069

      #3
      Re: George Carlin's new rules for 2006

      so which comedian actualy set up these new rules?? Carlin or Maher??
      " Darkness Imprisioning Me
      All That I See
      Absolute Horror
      I Cannot Live
      I Cannot Die
      Trapped In Myself
      Body My Holding Cell"-James Hetfield(Metallica)


      soulseek sn buckman28

      Comment

      • thesightless
        Someone will marry me. Hell Yeah!
        • Jun 2004
        • 13567

        #4
        Re: George Carlin's new rules for 2006

        i got a rule.

        ppl who bitch about reposts should be dragged outside and flayed. so many today i noticed. anal bastards the whole group of ya!
        your life is an occasion, rise to it.

        Join My Chant. new mix. april 09. dirty fuck house.
        download that. deep shit listed there

        my dick is its own superhero.

        Comment

        • miketpoto
          Shabisquik The Ghetto Queen
          • Jan 2005
          • 4223

          #5
          Re: George Carlin's new rules for 2006

          Originally posted by thesightless
          i got a rule.

          ppl who bitch about reposts should be dragged outside and flayed. so many today i noticed. anal bastards the whole group of ya!

          Sean, what would you do if there were such a thing as the fashion police? Would you be advocating such drastic punishments as often as you do now?

          Comment

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