taking some time out

[thebanned1]

i,ve asked kamal to ban my accounts on here as one of my email accounts was hacked and i,m not sure if it was my contact details for here ( haven't checked yet ), trying to get on with my life but i,m basically fucked with no future, can't find a job and can't afford to go back to college, since i was diagnosed with a mental health condition i,ve just been on self destruct ever since, only started drinking after that for the first time in my life, i despise alcohol and that made me go back to drugs again, almost died twice choking in my sleep, i still say they got it wrong, i have a story so unbelievable that no one believed it and even though i,ve been sectioned 2 or 3 times now my story has been consistent all the way through, a couple of strange things have happened recently, things like my ears started ringing even though i was listening to music at low levels, i thought i was going to have a stroke the other day after drinking water, i still say my music was stolen in some way and i even went to the government about it, it was the only thing i could do, what happened after that was just fucked, pretty scared to say this but i started to feel as if something was hitting my body out of nowhere and making my muscles twitch but that could of been my diet which was poor, i tried the police first and they did nothing, i was in a right state, i couldn't explain what had happened and was basically suffering from massive paranoia and was panicking so hard, i thought someone was trying to kill me at one point and i ran to Portugal, that experience was just fucked, i was basically out on the streets and in total fear for my life, that was completely screwed, i don't know how to explain it really but i started noticing things like body language and stuff in people and felt like some people were trying to help me and others were not, it felt like people were trying to direct me, it was completely crazy, i even slept in a van that a guy said he was using to smuggle tobacco, i really was that desperate, like i said earlier i was panicking so hard and suffering from complete paranoia, i found a thing on the internet about something similar that old german secret services used to try to drive people to suicide with and that explained the experience just too a tee, the doctors must of had a field day when they saw me as i would have been suffering from every symptom they are trained to spot and of course i had a history of drugs so they would of jumped on that right away, i still say i was set up, it would of been easy if you know what you're doing which i don't, i started to notice that my dad ( a psychiatric nurse with 37 years experience ) started to try to crack me in the same way they do in a mental ward, they use things that happen every day around you, things like coughs and doors banging and stuff, once you're locked into that you are constantly looking for it in everything you hear or see for life, it really fucks you up ( there really is no way out of that one, it just builds up frustration to the point where you snap, it's basically a form of torture *btw he's just started doing it again* ) and i was arrested by the police and taken to hospital and sectioned under the mental health act and stayed in hospital for 8 weeks, the medicine they gave me basically fucked my life more than the drugs i,ve took in my lifetime, made my brain flat, not somewhere you want to be as a musician, it also gave me other side effects that stopped me from getting on with my life ( lets not go there on that one ),it totally ruined it, i still say that was deliberate for a couple of reasons, that has played on my mind since 2003 or so and i still find it hard to deal with today, i still say what happened to me was real, started noticing similarities in the music i was writing in all the music i was listening to all over the place and started noticing things were happening tied to some of the things i was doing in my life or saying online, things like song names and albums, started hearing things in music i couldn't explain, voices hidden in sounds and vocals were changing all the time, certain lyrics stood out more than others, words like "stick in the wrist", i,m kind of scared to tell you that because it looks like i,m delusional, it was just happening to frequently, scared to tell my doctor that as well if i,m honest, it's hard to explain, i don't really want to talk about that until i see my doctor again, anyway don't want to go on about this any more

to be honest and i know this sounds like paranoia but i,m pretty fearful of my future, i stated noticing pictures of things like torture started to frequent in the websites i was visiting and even seen some child porn on 4chan, scared the shit out of me but i still went back without thinking i could of been set up

anyway i,ll check up on this thread for a little while and i,ll try to keep in touch with as many of you as possible in the future

[GarryX]

Re: taking some time out

Bloody hell mate, dunno really where to start with that.

All i can say is I hope you can battle through and solve whatever issues are going on.

Loads of people have fucked up problems, it's just trying to find the best way to deal with them.

[AchtungBaby!]

Re: taking some time out

Man i don't know you more than of what you post here in MS over the years so it´s very difficult to say something useful but all i can say is go to see your doctor because he is possibly the only one who can give you the help you need now.


Sorry to hear all you have been through


Wish you luck and hope things get a little better quickly, take care.

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

Bloody hell mate, dunno really where to start with that.

All i can say is I hope you can battle through and solve whatever issues are going on.

Loads of people have fucked up problems, it's just trying to find the best way to deal with them.

i,m fine m8, honestly, just a few things have happened recently that are kinda fucked up, feeling funny after eating food and stuff, trying to detox to solve my skin problems but everything needed to detox seems to make me feel funny when i eat it, it's mad, at an orange yesterday and my ears started ringing so hard, getting itchy sensations in my ear when i listen to music at low levels, the same thing happened last time i went to the arches, went to see the surgeon and as soon as i got into the room my ears started itching and i left instantly, didn't want to mess my hearing up, right now i,m getting popping and crunchy sounds in my ear and i,m getting a strange feeling in my head, light headed, it also feels hot and i,m getting some sharp pains in my head from time to time, also my left hand seems to keep cramping, keep getting pains in my nuts and chest as well, feels like something is hitting off my arsehole from time to time as well, this happened to me before, i can't explain it, popping sounds in my nose the lot, sometimes i hear what sounds like something crawling on my bed sheets, a few other things i can't think of off the top of my head, when i was in a mental ward for the first time i heard something that sounded like my sister crying and calling my name and i,ve heard that a couple of times as well, i,m convinced it's not an auditory hallucination, kind of scared to say this in case i get sectioned again, even hearing sounds that sound like bones cracking

[Claire Taurus]

Re: taking some time out

Sounds like anxiety attacks to me. A doctor won't do fuck all, you need to see a counselor.

[D.Williams]

Re: taking some time out

Back in Jan I had a horrible ear thing where I couldnt hear well out of my left ear, was hearing sounds, plus high pitched voices and kids voices all sounded weird to me, plus an echo. I went to the doctor and got some steroid, not sure of the name, but that thing fucked up who I was, I became a zombie, I was so depressed and my thoughts were dark. I eventually got better and stopped taking that medicine. Hopefully this too shal pass Ban, the sooner the better

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

Sounds like anxiety attacks to me. A doctor won't do fuck all, you need to see a counselor.

i was diagnosed with schizophrenia but like i said i still think the doctors got it wrong, with the right tools and info it would of been easy to set someone up like this especially if that person had a history of drug use, it's hard to explain but if you create a story so out of the ordinary and also give them an experience they can't explain then to a doctor it looks like the person is suffering delusions and the way they test you in a mental ward would crack you no matter what especially if you are going through an experience you can't explain due to you being in total confusion and fearful at the same time, doctors are trained to spot this, i was in a complete state the first time i was diagnosed and once you have that on your record you're basically fucked for life, it basically messed music up for me for life, probably deliberate, cracked me hard, i still don't know how people managed to do this and thought my house was set up with camera's and spyware in my hardware and stuff so i felt like i was trapped and didn't want this to happen again and it broke me hard, i just lost the will to produce any more, when i told the doctors this they must of thought i was paranoid and that was probably the reason they sectioned me

i say it was deliberate because the medicine they give you not only messes with how you feel in the head ( makes you flat and you loss all creativity ) but also gives you other side effects like you can't ejaculate properly and it makes you put on weight and stuff this more or less stopped me from going out and getting into a relationship as i knew if i did the girl would of left me in a second, it has basically ruined my life

[Gatz]

Re: taking some time out

I'm not equipped to deal with this, all I can do is to wish you good luck I hope things get better for you.

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

I'm not equipped to deal with this, all I can do is to wish you good luck I hope things get better for you.

i know the feeling m8, i,ve been battling suicidal thoughts for years due to this probably since about 2002, scared to take anti depressants because the last time i did the thoughts of suicide just got worse, i probably grassed on something big and if it is what i think it is i,m in deep shit. it's p ossible they did this to me because the music is was making was associated with a lot of drug use and it's probably really fucking up the health system in this country hard, i just can't deal with it, it's like watching your best friend die slowly and painfully, if anything though this experience has just made me worse, i,ve probably done more abuse to my system through drugs and drink since being diagnosed for the first time than i ever have in my life, like i said i just went on self destruction, i honestly just can't explain how much i hate them for doing that to me

it's crazy, i make a lot of mistakes and have done a lot of things i,m pretty shameful about drugs, porn drink need i say more, i,m even starting to think that someone is switching the stuff in my house as the key to the front door was created by an electronic card and someone could of cut a key for it before it was given to my family, it's like everything i touch,eat or drink does something to my body, can't get my skin clear,sheets are manky, clothes stinking, computer fucked to name a few other things, i should of spotted that a long time ago, when i worked in a market years ago there was guy who was ex military who had turned to burglary to make a living, i still have part of a hifi he sold to my friend years ago, the more i,m saying here the more paranoid i look and it's scaring the fucking shit out of me, i have no where to turn to

[Simeon]

Re: taking some time out

be strong, never give up....there is a lot of shit in this world....
as Confucius said..
Our greatest glory is not in never falling,but in rising everytime we fall

[floridaorange]

Re: taking some time out

take care of yourself Banned, sounds like you have learned a lot and are a stronger person for having made it through some tough times in the past. Try to focus on the future, and look for ways you can add value to anyone anywhere and doors will open. As the world becomes more complex its important to try new ways of getting what you want and need. Volunteering has always helped open doors for me, in one way or another. The truth is.... fot all of dark disgusting disfunction there is in the world it's important to remember there is also a lot of good, light, wonderful and beautiful as well. I think that the internet has a special way of coaxing individuals with mental health issues into thinking they are receiving true connections online and that's enough. Truth is, online should be brief entertainment at most, and not perceived as anything more than that. It can lead to a lot of pure nonsense and bullshit, and further confuse people who are already confused.

[DIDI]

Re: taking some time out

When my son was little , and not so little , I used to stroke his head to make things better . I so wish I could that for you.

You have done an amazing job keeping it together here seeing what you are going through .

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

the more i say the more i look paranoid or delusional, it's like i,m being driven to either suicide or madness in ways i can't really explain, i keep hearing strange noises and hearing threats to my life and my family's life words like "i,m going to find you and when i do i,m going to torture you" "strange moaning sounds coming from the wall" words hidden in natural sounds like footsteps, i think i grassed on military operation as crazy as that sounds, it couldn't of been anything else there was just too much coincidence in some of the things that happened in portugal for it to have been anything else, groups of people using the same signals ( touching their shades and other things like that ) and other body language, it would be easy for them to make me look crazy given the tools they have at hand, guns that fire sound and things like that, you just have to look some of that stuff up on the net, it's the things you can't find on the net that is worrying, i was sectioned for the first time when i came back from portugal and it seems coincidence that the politician i went to see about this was seen at the hospital after i was put in plus the second time i was in there was a patient that told me she had went to the government for help and she ended up sectioned as well not even to mention the other scottish politician i saw while i was in portugal, again it looks like i,m completely paranoid here but a couple of things have seemed to fall into place, it's like i,m being murdered and they are making it look natural, i keep hearing strange noises like crunching in my pillow and other things but of course i have a history of mental illness so if you have the right tools it would be easy to set someone up for that again, i still to this day don't believe i,m mad, i just don't have no way of proving it, when i was working in the steel yard ( my last job ) i was the only one to have a decent face mask as i was working with supposedly carcinogenic material and that was one of the first things to go missing, i remember putting on my face shield and the strap was burning my forehead the place was even broke into during the time i was there... right now i,m not even listening to music or anything and my ears have started ringing again, i,m basically fucked with nowhere to go

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

it would of been easy to steal the music i was doing because i was using warez and that would of been full of viruses and all sorts and the computer i was using for my my midi stuff was connected to the internet at the time, i remember my hard drive crashing out of the blue after all my midi dumps and samples were on it, i lost 2 gigs worth of stuff ( a lot in the dial up days ), i stopped using that computer when i bought my own and cleared it of all the software and my other computer wasn't even connected to the net and this was when i started to have "delusions", hearing strange noises in music and hearing phrases of words that seemed to coincidentally coincide with the things i was doing, example, i would light up a cigarette and i would hear "ew" and other strange things like that i think that technique is called gaslighting, they do that in mental wards,, it was after i moved my computer from the kitchen to the bedroom i started noticing a lot of similarities in the music i was hearing all over the place that seemed to sound like the stuff i was writing mysel, it's probably even easier now as when you buy the software you're address and email are stored in the accounts you bought the software from and people are probably hacking them left right an center, beatport accounts the lot, nothing is really secure, passwords are fucked plus i,ve been on the forums and stuff and that logs your i.p. and stuff, you're not even secure with a vpn or anything against a decent hacker

[floridaorange]

Re: taking some time out

You probably should consult with a mental health specialist who can help you understand what is normal that you are experiencing and can be fixed by diet, sleep, excercise and what is not normal and requires medication. As all of us age, our mental, physical, emotional (and I would add spiritual) health has to be earned and fought for to be maintained or increased. Letting days go by without purpose or direction and not doing the necessary things like seeing your doctor or going to Yoga only make things harder and more difficult. putting toxic things into your mind/body also make things worse, they only seem better temporarily. Keep fighting and know that you deserve to feel safe and not paranoid or fearful. But you gotta do the hard work of getting well before things get out of hand. And you have to be disciplined with yourself - taking care of yourself and not letting that l darkness find a home in your mind/spirit/soul. (Typing from cell phone). Sounds like taking a long break from electronic music is also in order.

Everyone on here is going through something and trying to be well, some have more mental health issues than others though specifically. I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you might have tenitis - my Dad has that, and the hand cramping and voices seem like possible schizophrenia - but go see a mental health professional - the alternative is dangerous especially unmedicated. I am only speaking from knowing people with similar symptoms I am not a doctor.