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“I saw that in normal life we lived as if moments were beads rolling by on a string, but that in fact, the awful sense of time fleeing was an illusion. Each moment had its own unfolding expanse. It was obvious, I could see it: a timeless space extending in all directions in a way I knew even then I would never be able to put into words.
I could only 'remember' a two dimensional version of what had been a four-dimensional experience — which is what I have recounted here.
I knew I would never forget what I had experienced, and that it would always be a source of inspiration I could draw on, reminding me that the world was filled with inexpressible beauty and goodness.”
My mental health has got worse and worse.
I've lost intellectual faculties and mobility. Social services are helping me, they clean the house and cook some food if needed.
Now more family tragedies expect me and my brother. I don't have any money, I'm on the brink of poverty.
Right now I feel that only taking my own life can be a valid solution.
"The game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna lose it anyway"
^^ maybe you're having a medication issue? You need to reach out to those who can actually help you, call a hotline, talk to someone who can do something for you? you know? idk, man... you're in a really tough situation, but things can get better. I'm positive something can occur to make things better for you, or at least make you feel better.
If I were you, I'd worry that my creator would send me back here in an even worse predicament so I'd finally learn what I came here to learn (whatever that is). Or, I'd worry there's a worse place for my spirit than where I was now. (though it might seem like it can't get any worse. Maybe it really could?)
Have you ever considered the possibility that your spirit has complete responsibility for every circumstance you face and your perception is off? If so, until you free yourself within these horrendous confines, you're putting yourself in perpetual bondage? You seem pretty intelligent to me. I'm really sorry you're feeling so hopeless. But know, this is all really an illusion. This life is just a mist... interpreted by our senses. There is much to it than we realize or can fathom.
Anyway, I wish I could help; unfortunately I've been up to my eyeballs in 'suicide watch' with my teenager (the result of a medication issue). We're all sometimes just hanging by a thread. But, let's stay together, at least... ride it out... when it's time, it's time... it's not up to us. The illusion it'd be easier, might just be a lie. No one can say.
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