Joke of the day

[hulkhuss]

Re: Joke of the day

^^^^^^^^^^

[shosh]

Re: Joke of the day

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They’re all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won’t come out. They don’t want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone “to say good-bye to my mother”.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”.

[hulkhuss]

Re: Joke of the day

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They?re all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won?t come out. They don?t want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone ?to say good-bye to my mother?.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

?Sorry I took so long,? he says. ?Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She?d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!?.

[shosh]

Re: Joke of the day

Jesus and Moses are up in heaven sitting around, trying to think of something to do. Moses says, "Hey Jesus, I think it would be fun to go down to earth and perform miracles like in the good old days, what do you think?" Jesus agrees and they head down to earth.

Once they get there, Moses says, "I think what i want to do first is part the red sea, that was a lot of fun." So Moses goes and parts the Red Sea and comes back and says, "That was awesome, what do you want to do, Jesus?"

Jesus thinks for a while and then says, "You know, I really enjoyed walking on water, I think I will do that again." So Jesus goes over to a lake and starts walking across the water. As soon as he starts, though, he begins to sink to the bottom.

He comes back to land disappointed and Moses says, "Well, I guess the last time you did that you didn't have holes in your feet."

[hulkhuss]

Re: Joke of the day

Jesus and Moses are up in heaven sitting around, trying to think of something to do. Moses says, "Hey Jesus, I think it would be fun to go down to earth and perform miracles like in the good old days, what do you think?" Jesus agrees and they head down to earth.

Once they get there, Moses says, "I think what i want to do first is part the red sea, that was a lot of fun." So Moses goes and parts the Red Sea and comes back and says, "That was awesome, what do you want to do, Jesus?"

Jesus thinks for a while and then says, "You know, I really enjoyed walking on water, I think I will do that again." So Jesus goes over to a lake and starts walking across the water. As soon as he starts, though, he begins to sink to the bottom.

He comes back to land disappointed and Moses says, "Well, I guess the last time you did that you didn't have holes in your feet."

[chanty]

Re: Joke of the day

A line-up of nuns were at the pearly gates and St. Peter asks the first nun "Have you sinned Sister Margaret?" to which she replies sheepishly "Well, once I stared at a mans penis." So St. Peter tells her to wash her eyes with the holy water from the fountain and say ten Hail Mary's.

He proceeds to ask the next nun in line the same question, to which she replies "I did touch a man's penis a very long time ago" St. Peter tells her to wash her hands in the holy water and say 10 Hail Mary's.

As he's about to ask the question of the next nun and he notices a nun down the line anxiously waving her hands in the air trying to get his attention. "Yes Sister Anna, what is so urgent?" he asks her.
"Well, I was wondering if I could go ahead of Sister Irene because I'd like to wash my mouth out before she sticks her bum in the fountain."

[nemrac]

Re: Joke of the day

a Plane Is On Its Way To Montreal, When A Blonde In Economy Class Gets Up, And Moves To The First Class Section And Sits Down.
The Flight Attendant Watches Her Do This, And Asks To See Her Ticket. She Then Tells The Blonde That She Paid For Economy Class, And That She Will Have To Sit In The Back.
The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Montreal And I'm Staying Right Here."
The Flight Attendant Goes Into The Cockpit And Tells The Pilot And The Co-pilot That There Is A Blonde Sitting In First Class, That Belongs In Economy And Won't Move Back To Her Seat.
The Co-pilot Goes Back To The Blonde And Tries To Explain That Because She Only Paid For Economy She Will Have To Leave And Return To Her Seat.

The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Montreal And I'm Staying Right Here."
The Co-pilot Tells The Pilot That He Probably Should Have The Police Waiting When They Land To Arrest This Blonde Woman Who Won't Listen To Reason.
The Pilot Says, "you Say She Is A Blonde? I'll Handle This, I'm Married To A Blonde. I Speak Blonde."
He Goes Back To The Blonde And Whispers In Her Ear, And She Says, "oh, I'm Sorry." And She Gets Up And Goes Back To Her Seat In Economy.
The Flight Attendant And Co-pilot Are Amazed And Asked The Pilot What He Said To Make Her Move Without Any Fuss.
"i Told Her, 'first Class Isn't Going To Montreal'."

[KinKyJ]

Re: Joke of the day

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7points each". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

[picklemonkey]

Re: Joke of the day

[ybhatti]

Re: Joke of the day

nice!

[Corven]

Re: Joke of the day

A young boy was taken away from his parents because he was being abused. The case goes to court, and the judge turns to the little boy and says "Son, If you had to chose who you wanted to live with, would you chose your mom, or your dad?" The little boy thinks for a couple minutes and replies "Well.. I don?t want to live with my dad cuz he beats me.... And I don?t want to live with my mom, cuz she beats me too. Soo.... I guess I?d like to live with the Toronto Maples Leafs... cuz they don?t beat ANYONE!!"

[KinKyJ]

Re: Joke of the day

^^^ I bet you were that kid who always got beaten up during recess, innit?

[AndyH]

Re: Joke of the day

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

[Miguel]

Re: Joke of the day

short and good

[Corven]

Re: Joke of the day

^^^ I bet you were that kid who always got beaten up during recess, innit?

nah ... i was the kid that brings the popcorn and drinks over to watch the fight