Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a beautiful blond woman painting the walls. She was wearing a fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a bit strange, he asked her why she was wearing such nice clothes rather than overalls.
The blonde simply sighed and showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats."
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."
The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"’Tis the Lord’s holy water. I am bringing it home with me," said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. "Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered.
"Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "Another bloomin'miracle."Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replies, "Well not exactly; it's her who suffers, not me."Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
' Nev er!' replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A mouse walks into a music shop and says to the owner...
"Excuse me, I'd like to buy a mouse organ please"
The owner, leans down, looks at the mouse and then says
"Sure, no problem... Funny really, we had another mouse in her just last week asking to buy the exact same thing"
The mouse looks up in recognition and says
"Ah... that'll be our' monica"Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu, Hu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^
how many times have i heard that!Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on
the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high
and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a
small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once
again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the
piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece
by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a
magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the
bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just !
one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another, pretty soon, the entire bar is
filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12
inch pianist?'Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Guy comes home from work to see all of his belongings and furniture strewn about his lawn and clothes scattered all over the place.
He walks in the door to see his girlfriend throwing his shit out the window, extremely pissed off and basically wanting nothing to do with him anymore.
He runs in the room and says "Honey honey honey, what the fuck are you doing!!!??"
She says, "I hate you! my mom told me your a fuckin pedophile!"
He says back to her: "WHOA WHOA WHOA!! THOSE ARE AWEFUL BIG WORDS FOR A TWELVE YEAR OLD!!"Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
”No, I’m your son’s teacher.”Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”Leave a comment:
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