taking some time out

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

watch me go deaf, that is the next thing they're targeting, my ipod is making my ears feel itchy and this computer is making my ears ring, every time i listen to music i,m getting ringing in the ears, it's just to coincidental for it to be a lie

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

Bad diets just make everything worse but I'm not saying it's the cause. You seem like a smart guy with a good kind soul who could be doing a lot to help others in this world - and after all that's why we are here. I read that there's this snapping technique you can do with your fingers behind your ears that can relieve tennitus / it didn't help my Dad but google it and see for yourself. Tennitus can lead to suicide because it is so tormenting.

Also - there is 100% pure evil and pure good bidding for your attention. You have to decide what you allow to enter your consciousness. Be very careful with what you allow to enter your mind and body. And in the meantime please go see a mental health professional. If you feel like the person is not genuinely trying to help you but rather just medicate you and send you on your way, see someone else. I'm not saying medication is wrong, it's probably a big part of what you need...but you also need a doctor who genuinely cares for your wellbeing.

As for the paranoia issues, those could be related to prior drug use, it's unfortunately common. But could also be from other mental health issues.

i,ve got an appointment with my doctor in a couple of days and i,ll talk to him about it, i,m fucked either way, once you have that on your medical record it sticks with you for life, when that happens it's even easier to set someone up for that for life ( i know that sounds crazy ), this is what happened to me, i had a history of drug use and also had a story so out of the ordinary it looked like i was crazy and delusional and suffering from the effects of drug abuse, i have a hard time dealing with that really, that has more or less fucked everything that was good in my life for the duration of my life, i still say that was deliberate, it would of been easy and like i said previously it has probably done more damage to me since being diagnosed than all the substance abuse i,ve ever done, i just went on self destruction after that, it's like they built me up to a point where i thought i was going to make something of my life and it came crashing down hard, i still can't explain it, in hind side sometimes i think they tried to save my life by getting me sectioned but like i said that didn't work or maybe they didn't, i don't know, i,m pretty confused by all the things that have happened to me in the past 20 years or so, the medication they fed me for that more or less ruined me more than anything, that could be deliberate too because the side effects of that stuff probably lead to more business for medical treatment..example.. makes you depressed and flat so you need to go get anti depressants, i took ssri's for a while and they made me more suicidal than i was to begin with, makes you over weight so that puts strain on other organs so you might need an operation in the future, i was so messed up i just sat at my computer all day from the time i got out of bed to the time i went to bed for years, i started abusing substances more because they were the only things that were blocking the thoughts i was having, drugs and drink but once you're on that road it's a slippery slope especially with a mental health record

[floridaorange]

Re: taking some time out

Bad diets just make everything worse but I'm not saying it's the cause. You seem like a smart guy with a good kind soul who could be doing a lot to help others in this world - and after all that's why we are here. I read that there's this snapping technique you can do with your fingers behind your ears that can relieve tennitus / it didn't help my Dad but google it and see for yourself. Tennitus can lead to suicide because it is so tormenting.

Also - there is 100% pure evil and pure good bidding for your attention. You have to decide what you allow to enter your consciousness. Be very careful with what you allow to enter your mind and body. And in the meantime please go see a mental health professional. If you feel like the person is not genuinely trying to help you but rather just medicate you and send you on your way, see someone else. I'm not saying medication is wrong, it's probably a big part of what you need...but you also need a doctor who genuinely cares for your wellbeing.

As for the paranoia issues, those could be related to prior drug use, it's unfortunately common. But could also be from other mental health issues.

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

You probably should consult with a mental health specialist who can help you understand what is normal that you are experiencing and can be fixed by diet, sleep, excercise and what is not normal and requires medication. As all of us age, our mental, physical, emotional (and I would add spiritual) health has to be earned and fought for to be maintained or increased. Letting days go by without purpose or direction and not doing the necessary things like seeing your doctor or going to Yoga only make things harder and more difficult. putting toxic things into your mind/body also make things worse, they only seem better temporarily. Keep fighting and know that you deserve to feel safe and not paranoid or fearful. But you gotta do the hard work of getting well before things get out of hand. And you have to be disciplined with yourself - taking care of yourself and not letting that l darkness find a home in your mind/spirit/soul. (Typing from cell phone). Sounds like taking a long break from electronic music is also in order.

We are all messed up, but trying.

my diet is pretty poor to be honest and that is another thing that could suggest i have a mental health problem as schizophrenia can be attributed to bad diet as well, it would of been easy to target someone that way if you knew what you were doing in advance, i swear i still believe i was set up but like i said i have no way of proving it, it's like i,ve been played into a hole and there is no way out

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

i also keep hearing the phrase "this music is finished in this country" and "your finished no matter what" "good eye or tinnitus" ( i have dark circles around my eye ) and everything i,m eating to try to fix my skin problem is making my ears pop and giving me tinnitus, it's funny because it's only started happening in the past couple of days and i,ve been listening to my ipod at very low levels, god i,m going to sound really fucking crazy by saying this but i think it's a weapon, my head feels light and everything, i,ve been reading a couple of websites on this stuff and they have sound weapons that can make you deaf, i,m probably committing suicide by saying this, scared i,m going to disapeer or something, the more i say the more paranoid i look, god i,m starting to sound like sakio

[floridaorange]

Re: taking some time out

You probably should consult with a mental health specialist who can help you understand what is normal that you are experiencing and can be fixed by diet, sleep, excercise and what is not normal and requires medication. As all of us age, our mental, physical, emotional (and I would add spiritual) health has to be earned and fought for to be maintained or increased. Letting days go by without purpose or direction and not doing the necessary things like seeing your doctor or going to Yoga only make things harder and more difficult. putting toxic things into your mind/body also make things worse, they only seem better temporarily. Keep fighting and know that you deserve to feel safe and not paranoid or fearful. But you gotta do the hard work of getting well before things get out of hand. And you have to be disciplined with yourself - taking care of yourself and not letting that l darkness find a home in your mind/spirit/soul. (Typing from cell phone). Sounds like taking a long break from electronic music is also in order.

Everyone on here is going through something and trying to be well, some have more mental health issues than others though specifically. I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you might have tenitis - my Dad has that, and the hand cramping and voices seem like possible schizophrenia - but go see a mental health professional - the alternative is dangerous especially unmedicated. I am only speaking from knowing people with similar symptoms I am not a doctor.

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

it would of been easy to steal the music i was doing because i was using warez and that would of been full of viruses and all sorts and the computer i was using for my my midi stuff was connected to the internet at the time, i remember my hard drive crashing out of the blue after all my midi dumps and samples were on it, i lost 2 gigs worth of stuff ( a lot in the dial up days ), i stopped using that computer when i bought my own and cleared it of all the software and my other computer wasn't even connected to the net and this was when i started to have "delusions", hearing strange noises in music and hearing phrases of words that seemed to coincidentally coincide with the things i was doing, example, i would light up a cigarette and i would hear "ew" and other strange things like that i think that technique is called gaslighting, they do that in mental wards,, it was after i moved my computer from the kitchen to the bedroom i started noticing a lot of similarities in the music i was hearing all over the place that seemed to sound like the stuff i was writing mysel, it's probably even easier now as when you buy the software you're address and email are stored in the accounts you bought the software from and people are probably hacking them left right an center, beatport accounts the lot, nothing is really secure, passwords are fucked plus i,ve been on the forums and stuff and that logs your i.p. and stuff, you're not even secure with a vpn or anything against a decent hacker

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

the more i say the more i look paranoid or delusional, it's like i,m being driven to either suicide or madness in ways i can't really explain, i keep hearing strange noises and hearing threats to my life and my family's life words like "i,m going to find you and when i do i,m going to torture you" "strange moaning sounds coming from the wall" words hidden in natural sounds like footsteps, i think i grassed on military operation as crazy as that sounds, it couldn't of been anything else there was just too much coincidence in some of the things that happened in portugal for it to have been anything else, groups of people using the same signals ( touching their shades and other things like that ) and other body language, it would be easy for them to make me look crazy given the tools they have at hand, guns that fire sound and things like that, you just have to look some of that stuff up on the net, it's the things you can't find on the net that is worrying, i was sectioned for the first time when i came back from portugal and it seems coincidence that the politician i went to see about this was seen at the hospital after i was put in plus the second time i was in there was a patient that told me she had went to the government for help and she ended up sectioned as well not even to mention the other scottish politician i saw while i was in portugal, again it looks like i,m completely paranoid here but a couple of things have seemed to fall into place, it's like i,m being murdered and they are making it look natural, i keep hearing strange noises like crunching in my pillow and other things but of course i have a history of mental illness so if you have the right tools it would be easy to set someone up for that again, i still to this day don't believe i,m mad, i just don't have no way of proving it, when i was working in the steel yard ( my last job ) i was the only one to have a decent face mask as i was working with supposedly carcinogenic material and that was one of the first things to go missing, i remember putting on my face shield and the strap was burning my forehead the place was even broke into during the time i was there... right now i,m not even listening to music or anything and my ears have started ringing again, i,m basically fucked with nowhere to go

[DIDI]

Re: taking some time out

When my son was little , and not so little , I used to stroke his head to make things better . I so wish I could that for you.

You have done an amazing job keeping it together here seeing what you are going through .

[floridaorange]

Re: taking some time out

take care of yourself Banned, sounds like you have learned a lot and are a stronger person for having made it through some tough times in the past. Try to focus on the future, and look for ways you can add value to anyone anywhere and doors will open. As the world becomes more complex its important to try new ways of getting what you want and need. Volunteering has always helped open doors for me, in one way or another. The truth is.... fot all of dark disgusting disfunction there is in the world it's important to remember there is also a lot of good, light, wonderful and beautiful as well. I think that the internet has a special way of coaxing individuals with mental health issues into thinking they are receiving true connections online and that's enough. Truth is, online should be brief entertainment at most, and not perceived as anything more than that. It can lead to a lot of pure nonsense and bullshit, and further confuse people who are already confused.

[Simeon]

Re: taking some time out

be strong, never give up....there is a lot of shit in this world....
as Confucius said..
Our greatest glory is not in never falling,but in rising everytime we fall

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

I'm not equipped to deal with this, all I can do is to wish you good luck I hope things get better for you.

i know the feeling m8, i,ve been battling suicidal thoughts for years due to this probably since about 2002, scared to take anti depressants because the last time i did the thoughts of suicide just got worse, i probably grassed on something big and if it is what i think it is i,m in deep shit. it's p ossible they did this to me because the music is was making was associated with a lot of drug use and it's probably really fucking up the health system in this country hard, i just can't deal with it, it's like watching your best friend die slowly and painfully, if anything though this experience has just made me worse, i,ve probably done more abuse to my system through drugs and drink since being diagnosed for the first time than i ever have in my life, like i said i just went on self destruction, i honestly just can't explain how much i hate them for doing that to me

it's crazy, i make a lot of mistakes and have done a lot of things i,m pretty shameful about drugs, porn drink need i say more, i,m even starting to think that someone is switching the stuff in my house as the key to the front door was created by an electronic card and someone could of cut a key for it before it was given to my family, it's like everything i touch,eat or drink does something to my body, can't get my skin clear,sheets are manky, clothes stinking, computer fucked to name a few other things, i should of spotted that a long time ago, when i worked in a market years ago there was guy who was ex military who had turned to burglary to make a living, i still have part of a hifi he sold to my friend years ago, the more i,m saying here the more paranoid i look and it's scaring the fucking shit out of me, i have no where to turn to

[Gatz]

Re: taking some time out

I'm not equipped to deal with this, all I can do is to wish you good luck I hope things get better for you.

[thebanned1]

Re: taking some time out

Sounds like anxiety attacks to me. A doctor won't do fuck all, you need to see a counselor.

i was diagnosed with schizophrenia but like i said i still think the doctors got it wrong, with the right tools and info it would of been easy to set someone up like this especially if that person had a history of drug use, it's hard to explain but if you create a story so out of the ordinary and also give them an experience they can't explain then to a doctor it looks like the person is suffering delusions and the way they test you in a mental ward would crack you no matter what especially if you are going through an experience you can't explain due to you being in total confusion and fearful at the same time, doctors are trained to spot this, i was in a complete state the first time i was diagnosed and once you have that on your record you're basically fucked for life, it basically messed music up for me for life, probably deliberate, cracked me hard, i still don't know how people managed to do this and thought my house was set up with camera's and spyware in my hardware and stuff so i felt like i was trapped and didn't want this to happen again and it broke me hard, i just lost the will to produce any more, when i told the doctors this they must of thought i was paranoid and that was probably the reason they sectioned me

i say it was deliberate because the medicine they give you not only messes with how you feel in the head ( makes you flat and you loss all creativity ) but also gives you other side effects like you can't ejaculate properly and it makes you put on weight and stuff this more or less stopped me from going out and getting into a relationship as i knew if i did the girl would of left me in a second, it has basically ruined my life

[D.Williams]

Re: taking some time out

Back in Jan I had a horrible ear thing where I couldnt hear well out of my left ear, was hearing sounds, plus high pitched voices and kids voices all sounded weird to me, plus an echo. I went to the doctor and got some steroid, not sure of the name, but that thing fucked up who I was, I became a zombie, I was so depressed and my thoughts were dark. I eventually got better and stopped taking that medicine. Hopefully this too shal pass Ban, the sooner the better